I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Sorry about my life...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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