Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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