What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
