AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
