Umm I'm too high to move.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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