WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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