I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
