Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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