If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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