Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
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