I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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