I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
