I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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