i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
