false alarm. still invincible.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
