That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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