So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
