Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
