I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Reggie can tackle my bush.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
