Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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