I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
