The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It's official drugs can't kill me
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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