ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
