i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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