Im at strip club and am horny
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
