God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
