we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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