If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
