I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
