never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
