but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
