I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
