Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
