why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
