If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
