omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
