I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
sex in a hospital.. check
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
