I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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