just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
