hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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