I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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