You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
