Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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