JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
