On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
