Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
