he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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