Your face is a jimmy john
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
