Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
