Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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