This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
