I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
