Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
