new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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