I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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