Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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